Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Stuck in the middle: How’d I get here?


When I look back on my life, I wonder how I ended up “stuck in the middle” and here is what I think happened:

I grew up in a very conservative LDS neighborhood, only I was Catholic. Not only was I the kid that was “going to hell” (thanks to all of you classmates that told me this *sarcasm*), but I was also “the girl with the crazy brother.”

Believe it or not, I was very religious in elementary and junior high school, unbeknownst to my classmates. I went to Catechism (Sunday school for the lay folks) and Mass every week; said my prayers every night; was baptized, received communion, and went through confirmation solidifying my place in the Catholic Church.

Although I had, and continue to have, a strong faith in something more than myself, I was still different than just about every other kid at school. Toward the end of my junior high experience, my brother’s rebellion had gotten worse. Not only was he “crazy” but he was also a “druggie.”

Somewhere along the road, I found myself identifying more with the outcasts than I did with those who were religious. They never told me I was a bad person or that I was not going to heaven or that my parents were wrong for voting for a democrat (true story). I wanted to stand up for “my people” because I have always known that despite their differences, they were still basically good.

In my late teens and early twenties I rebelled a little bit: hung out with the “wrong” crowd; made some poor decisions; learned a lot about myself and what I wanted out of life. Don’t get any crazy ideas: I still did exceptionally well in high school, never got into any trouble, even started college.

My rebellious phase lasted a few years, I had a lot of fun taking road trips to concerts, going on hiking/camping trips with very little supplies, staying up all night… My friends were accepting of me and I was accepting of them. But as time went on I realized that they weren’t growing or changing much. They seemed to be content with where they were in life.

As much as I loved them, I realized I wanted to learn and grow, so I made a conscious decision to change my own life even if it meant putting a strain on those friendships. I even tried to convince them to come along: try college, find a career, challenge yourself.

So who do I identify with now that I’m all grown up? I still find myself drawn to that end of the spectrum. But I am also better at recognizing my patterns and I know what healthy relationships look like. I will always be the first one to stand up for someone who is facing persecution no matter where they are on the spectrum.

Meanwhile, I am continuing to find all sorts of people that fall in the middle with me. I have an amazing group of educated, funny, and caring friends. When I think old friends, I miss them. I remember the laughter and the good times and I grieve for the friends that are no longer in this world.

Rest in Peace

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