This week I had lunch with friends, including Jane. You may remember Jane from my previous post about dating etiquette. Lunch with the ladies is always a great opportunity to catch up on our single lives; dates we’ve been on, realizations we’ve had about ourselves… So as soon as we get in the car the conversation begins. This time around, it is about what type of guy we think we deserve.
As we arrive at the restaurant, Jane says “If my grilled cheese isn’t all melty should I send it back?”
My initial reaction was “It depends on how melty you like your cheese, and what if you send it back and the problem comes up again? Do you send it back again?”
To which she replied: “Hell yes! If it isn’t the way I want it why should I settle for less?!”
She brought up an interesting point, but have you ever sent your food back at a restaurant? It can be quite stressful; you may feel judged; you may worry about what they’ll do to your food. So the question is: Why not settle for what you get?
Simply put: Because it is not what you want! Obviously in this context (even though grilled cheese from this restaurant is rarely melty enough) the grilled cheese sandwich is a metaphor for the men we choose to date.
I have often thought that by choosing men who are “works-in-progress” I was accepting what I thought I deserved (subconsciously in most cases). Lately I have been focusing on dating men who are more put together and stable, with no beer towers to be found… But lately I have been catching myself questioning whether or not I am good enough for them.
It’s sad, but it’s true. If you always date “down” from your level, you can create a false sense of security in knowing you are good enough for them. But if you date “up” you may feel insecure and question whether or not you “deserve” them.
Even though I know quite logically that I deserve someone great, I still fight with my comfort level. I read an article that summed it up nicely: We date the level of our self-esteem.
The author says “The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you. If you don’t love, honor, and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs will not get met.”
Keeping in mind that I really only have control over me, I need to accept that I can’t just change for someone else (a way of settling). I can, however, be my more authentic self. While the author reminds readers that compromise is important in any relationship, I think I certainly need to be honest with myself about what I’ll settle for and what I won’t.
So back to our grilled cheese. If you are adamant about the melty-ness, by all means, send it back. If you are not overly concerned and you love cheese no matter what the temperature, make the most of it and enjoy it.
But don’t be afraid to let go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.
The article can be accessed here: http://thedailylove.com/we-date-at-the-level-of-our-self-esteem/
A big thanks to Jane for sparking the conversation!
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