Let me start by saying that I'm not sure online dating is right for me. It takes a lot of time, and there is nothing organic about meeting someone online. That being said, I did get some free meals, some interesting conversation, and some great subject matter for this blog!
The self-proclaimed jerk was one such experience. If you are familiar with E Harmony you know that you first go through "guided" communication. This starts with multiple choice questions, must haves/can't stands, and open-ended questions. Let's call this particular match Austin.
Austin first contacted me. I combed my way through his profile, looking for red flags. He seemed pretty down-to-earth, loved the outdoors, handsome... We made it through all levels of guided communication and I still wanted more!
Then we exchanged a few emails and our communication had some substance. As I almost always do, I set up a coffee meet-and-greet. First impression: he's not as tall as he said he was, good teeth/hair, seems a bit shy. We got our lattes, talked about ourselves (he seemed to have a lot less to say), things seem to feel pretty comfortable.
How'd I feel when we said goodbye? I was certainly looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him better.
As I look back on the conversation we had, only one thing stands out. He mentioned that he had met a couple of women in person from his online dating experience and while the initial dates seemed to go well, they had fizzled out very quickly.
A couple of days later he sent me a text, asking me to meet him at a concert at a local club. I was hesitant. The club scene is not a good place to get to know someone early on, especially when alcohol is involved. Since I knew that some of my friends would be there, I ignored my better judgment and met up with him.
It was too loud to talk, he was with his friends, I was with mine... He made an effort to check in with me for the first hour or so. Then I started wondering what might have happened to him so I went looking.
There he was, obviously intoxicated, getting very friendly with a petite blonde. Obviously this was occurring in a very early stage of what we may/may not have together. I didn't think too much about it. I had a great time with my friends and stayed until the end of the concert.
As people shuffled out of the cramped space, I couldn't see him anywhere. "Must have left already." I drove home and as I was getting into bed, I got a text from Austin. It said "I'm sorry, I'm a drunk ass."
Over the next couple of months, Austin would text periodically, usually in the afternoon, wondering if I would like to head over to his house later to hang out. No planning, no more emails with substance. Just short texts.
Fast forward another couple of months without any conversation, text or otherwise. Then suddenly there he was again. This text read "I know I'm a jerk, but do you want to talk anyway?"
Now, when I was younger I might have fallen right into this trap. "Oh no! You're not a jerk! Of course, I'll give you another chance!" But I'm not so young and naive anymore. I didn't respond right away; I needed to ponder my reaction to his message.
It didn't take me long to realize what I needed to say. The next morning, I had my response: "A self-proclaimed jerk, huh? I don't think I have time for jerks."
So, did he respond? What do you think?! Nope. I felt empowered after I sent that text. I felt like such a grown-up!
It has been several months since I sent that awesome comeback text and I have only received one text from Austin since (just a couple of weeks ago). What did it say? "I've been thinking about you alot lately... I would love to get together with you! Wanna ? ? ?"
I didn't even bother to respond. This very generic text with terrible spelling and punctuation; he was obviously casting his line to see what he could catch and I'm not playing that game!
The moral of the story: If a man calls himself a jerk, don’t argue with him. He knows himself much better than you know him. Don’t take the bait, don’t fall into the trap. If his communication practically stops but he still wants to “hang out” he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve the time of day!
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