As someone who is quite jaded for such a young age, I have a bad habit of reading into every action or inaction taken or not taken by a perspective suitor. Example: After talking to a new match through email, text, and phone, a friend of mine and a potential suitor arrange to meet for coffee in five days. Today is day five and she hasn’t heard from him since they made the date.
So if I were in this situation where would my mind go? Take a wild guess: There MUST be something wrong. Did I say or do something to turn him off? Why hasn’t he called to confirm? Should I call/text/email/cyber-stock him? Is it me? Is it him? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!!!
Oh boy. As a woman I am well aware that we tend to read way too much into things men do. Women are guided by complex thoughts and feelings, while men are more practical: I am hungry so I must eat. When I’m thinking of every possible scenario as to why I haven’t heard from him in the past 5 days, he may have not given it a second thought.
So how do I stop overreacting? Here is my list of steps to avoid it:
STEP 1: Remember the differences in thought processes between men and women (usually simple ideas vs. complex thoughts and feelings).
STEP 2: Recognize my irrational thoughts. This is easier said than done. Because women are so emotionally driven, our thoughts can wander and snowball into big ol’ messes.
STEP 3: Stop my overreaction dead in its tracks.
STEP 4: Ask myself the following question: “Instead of overreacting, what can I do to alleviate my concerns?”
STEP 5: Choose the best plan of action. This is BY FAR the hardest step because, again women are very complex thinkers so when we try to choose answers to our problems, we come up with a lot of “solutions” that may make things worse in the long run.
Plan of Action: Do something (aka contact him). Thought process:
· If I’m too forward he might run screaming in the other direction.
· If I’m too nonchalant I run the risk of him misunderstanding my intention.
Plan of Action: Let it be (aka leave it alone). Thought process:
· If I don’t hear from him do I still show up?
· What if he doesn’t show?
· What if I decide not to go and he shows up and wonders where I am?
After looking at these particular action plans it seems to me that it would be in my best interest to send him a text message or make a quick phone call. When I put on my practical hat, I recognize that I need to know whether or not he is planning on being there. If I have a clear answer right from the horse’s mouth, I can make plans accordingly.
Text Examples:
“Hi there. I haven’t heard from you today. Are we still getting together tonight?”
“What time do you want to get together tonight?”
“Still want to see me tonight?”
“I’m looking forward to tonight!”
STEP 6: Follow through; whether my answer in a similar situation is to do something or let it be. When those irrational thoughts creep up again, stop them in their tracks!
STEP 7: Live with my choice. I can’t control the way he reacts but his reaction will tell me a lot about him.
And finally, if there still seems to be potential with this guy, I’ll put on my big girl panties and tell him about my concerns at the appropriate time.
All in all it is important to remember, it may be nothing. And if by chance it is something, wouldn't it be better to know?
