The self-proclaimed jerk.

As you may know, I became a member of E Harmony last year as a favor to a friend who needed an "E Harmony Buddy". I had a few experiences that I was hesitant to write about...until now.

Let me start by saying that I'm not sure online dating is right for me. It takes a lot of time, and there is nothing organic about meeting someone online. That being said, I did get some free meals, some interesting conversation, and some great subject matter for this blog!

The self-proclaimed jerk was one such experience. If you are familiar with E Harmony you know that you first go through "guided" communication. This starts with multiple choice questions, must haves/can't stands, and open-ended questions. Let's call this particular match Austin.

Austin first contacted me. I combed my way through his profile, looking for red flags. He seemed pretty down-to-earth, loved the outdoors, handsome... We made it through all levels of guided communication and I still wanted more!

Then we exchanged a few emails and our communication had some substance. As I almost always do, I set up a coffee meet-and-greet. First impression: he's not as tall as he said he was, good teeth/hair, seems a bit shy. We got our lattes, talked about ourselves (he seemed to have a lot less to say), things seem to feel pretty comfortable.

How'd I feel when we said goodbye? I was certainly looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him better.

As I look back on the conversation we had, only one thing stands out. He mentioned that he had met a couple of women in person from his online dating experience and while the initial dates seemed to go well, they had fizzled out very quickly.

A couple of days later he sent me a text, asking me to meet him at a concert at a local club. I was hesitant. The club scene is not a good place to get to know someone early on, especially when alcohol is involved. Since I knew that some of my friends would be there, I ignored my better judgment and met up with him.

It was too loud to talk, he was with his friends, I was with mine... He made an effort to check in with me for the first hour or so. Then I started wondering what might have happened to him so I went looking.

There he was, obviously intoxicated, getting very friendly with a petite blonde. Obviously this was occurring in a very early stage of what we may/may not have together. I didn't think too much about it. I had a great time with my friends and stayed until the end of the concert.

As people shuffled out of the cramped space, I couldn't see him anywhere. "Must have left already." I drove home and as I was getting into bed, I got a text from Austin. It said "I'm sorry, I'm a drunk ass."

Over the next couple of months, Austin would text periodically, usually in the afternoon, wondering if I would like to head over to his house later to hang out. No planning, no more emails with substance. Just short texts.

Fast forward another couple of months without any conversation, text or otherwise. Then suddenly there he was again. This text read "I know I'm a jerk, but do you want to talk anyway?"

Now, when I was younger I might have fallen right into this trap. "Oh no! You're not a jerk! Of course, I'll give you another chance!" But I'm not so young and naive anymore. I didn't respond right away; I needed to ponder my reaction to his message.

It didn't take me long to realize what I needed to say. The next morning, I had my response: "A self-proclaimed jerk, huh? I don't think I have time for jerks."

So, did he respond? What do you think?! Nope. I felt empowered after I sent that text. I felt like such a grown-up!

It has been several months since I sent that awesome comeback text and I have only received one text from Austin since (just a couple of weeks ago). What did it say? "I've been thinking about you alot lately... I would love to get together with you! Wanna ? ? ?"

I didn't even bother to respond. This very generic text with terrible spelling and punctuation; he was obviously casting his line to see what he could catch and I'm not playing that game!

The moral of the story: If a man calls himself a jerk, don’t argue with him. He knows himself much better than you know him. Don’t take the bait, don’t fall into the trap. If his communication practically stops but he still wants to “hang out” he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve the time of day!

To kiss or not to kiss?

The following is an instant message chat I had with a friend recently. She asked a simple question that turned into a great learning opportunity for her and me. I have changed the name to protect the innocent.

Jane: What are the rules for kissing these days? First date: yes/no? Short kiss ok, but no making out? Making out okay?

Meg: I don't believe in kissing on the first date, but really it depends on how many hours you spend on that date.

Jane: Aw, interesting formula. So how many hours deserves a kiss?

Meg: More than 4.

Meg: You figure a first meet-n-greet date lasts two hours, so a four hour date is like two dates, and kissing on the second date is acceptable :)

Jane: Ahahaha! I think a first date usually lasts all evening, from like 6 - 10 or 11.  Unless it's a coffee meeting, that doesn't count as a 'date' date

Meg: It's all a matter of past experience! I generally don't like to kiss on the first date because I don't want them to misinterpret my intentions. If you're looking to get down, then all of this goes out the window. Now if you add alcohol to the mix, it's a whole new ballgame and your intentions might change within a short amount of time.

Jane: True. What if I'm not down to get down but I want a smooch?!

Meg: Think of it from a man's perspective. If you lay one on him, how might he interpret that? I don't really know the answer to it but I certainly try to understand the male perspective.

Jane: But from my perspective, if he lays one on me - not trying to maul me, I interpret it as he's into me, and potentially brings us closer together?

Meg: There are lots of ways to tell if a guy is into you. It doesn't have to be a physical expression.

Jane: Ok, ok. So my goal for Friday is try not to kiss, or be kissed and save it for the 2nd date? Is the 2nd date appropriate?

Meg: YES!

Jane: Phew!

Meg: Not longer than 15 seconds though!

Jane: Hahaha OMG! Too many rules Meg!!

Meg: Hehe! They are not rules, they are guidelines!

Jane: Same shit!

Meg: Guidelines leave room for interpretation.

Jane: Will you come with me, and monitor my behavior?

Meg: Do you have a bluetooth? You can leave it in your ear and cover it with your hair!

Jane: And as soon as you talk to me and I’ll jump out of my chair he'll think I’m a 'PSYCHO'

Meg: The whole point of a first date is to make sure HE'S not a psycho.

Jane: So true!

Meg: You run the risk of ending up with a clinger/stalker if you plant a smooch on him too soon.

Humor aside, in all honesty, I think that if it feels right to kiss on the first date you should go with it. Just don't do it if it feels wrong. But if you’ve been drinking, even if it feels right, it is just wrong.

Jane: That is a very good politically correct answer. I try not to drink on the first date because everyone seems more awesome when I'm drinking. LOL! So that should be a rule too: No alcohol for first dates.

I mean a 'guideline'.

Meg: No that can be a RULE. I'm on a role, sorry!

Jane: I asked you because you’re the expert! We will have to analyze my date on Monday :)

Stay tuned to witness the exciting conclusion of this conversation!!

Top 10 Locations for Dates in Salt Lake City According to Meg

The following list of locations for dates is simply based on my own experiences. My hopes are that this list will help you make suggestions when planning future dates.

1.     Brewvies Cinema Pub, 677 South 200 West*

Great food, pool tables, pinball machines…And if the conversation winds down you can always catch a flick. If things are going really well, you can venture over to Dr. John’s Adult Novelty Store for supplies!! Wink, wink…

2.     Coffee Garden, 898 East 900 South

Perfect for a first meeting. Grab your coffee/tea/hot chocolate and sit outside and watch all the interesting people that frequent 9^th & 9^th. If the weather is nice enough take a walk. Be warned that it can get quite loud inside the Coffee Garden but step outside the door and you won’t have to shout as you get to know each other.

3.     Mazza, 912 East 900 South

Mazza specializes in Middle Eastern food. If you are looking for someone who is cultural, this is a great suggestion to make. His/her willingness will tell you a lot. Has he/she had Middle Eastern food before? If he/she hasn’t is he/she willing to give it a try? The atmosphere is great, the waiters are friendly, and the food is amazing, and strange as it may sound, they have the best French fries!

4.     Sawadee, 754 East South Temple

Sawadee is a Thai restaurant that would be perfect for a lunch date. Great décor and atmosphere. The waiters are fast and efficient and the prices are reasonable. The food is phenomenal. The volume inside the restaurant is low and when weather permits there is also outdoor seating.

5.     The Beerhive, 128 South Main*

Patio seating, hundreds of beers to choose from, German and pub food, pool tables and foosball make this a great downtown meeting place. With Utah Trax running right in front of The Beerhive, you may even factor in a Trax ride (to or from) for some extra “get-to-know-you” time.

6.     Desert Edge Brewery, 273 Trolley Square

Located in Trolley Square, Desert Edge Brewery (aka The Pub) is a great place for a date. The laid back atmosphere, efficiency of the staff, and flattering lighting will put you at ease, take the pressure off, and give you an opportunity to eat some amazing food. If you find yourself having a good time, you can extend your date by doing some window shopping in Trolley Square.

7.     Fiddler’s Elbow, 1063 East 2100 South*

Fiddler’s is located in the heart of Sugarhouse. If you are a sports fan, this may be a good option for a date (not a first date, mind you). If you get distracted easily, the vibe you give off may not be what you want your date to see early on. The food is great and the beer is cold. Beware: if a big sporting event is going on, it may get a bit loud. But if you are looking for a way to break the ice, sports may be a great start.

8.     Coffee Connection, 1588 South State Street

At Coffee Connection, just west of Salt Lake Community College’s South City Campus, you can sit and drink coffee for hours and not be bothered. If you hate being the one to walk in to a place where your date is already waiting, get there early, bring your laptop, use the wifi, and turn the tables (let your date walk in to you).

9.     Oasis Café, 151 South 500 East

At Oasis they believe in balance, not only in the food they serve, but also in the environment. Sit inside or in the courtyard, you will be able to hear each other talk just fine. Oasis also offers many vegetarian and vegan options. Support a local business and enjoy good food and (hopefully) good company. Peruse the Golden Braid Bookstore while you’re there. Don’t forget to share a piece of Decadent Vegan Chocolate Cake!

10.  Tony Caputo’s Market & Deli, 314 West 300 South

Tony Caputo’s is perfect for a no-pressure meet and greet. If you live in Salt Lake City, you probably already know how amazing the food is at this place. You can get a meal, and then buy some olive oil and chocolate. Outdoor seating is perfect for conversation, especially since it is across from Pioneer Park.

*Must be 21 to enter.

Please contribute! If you have other suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Reading between the lines or simply reading into things?

As someone who is quite jaded for such a young age, I have a bad habit of reading into every action or inaction taken or not taken by a perspective suitor. Example: After talking to a new match through email, text, and phone, a friend of mine and a potential suitor arrange to meet for coffee in five days. Today is day five and she hasn’t heard from him since they made the date.

So if I were in this situation where would my mind go? Take a wild guess: There MUST be something wrong. Did I say or do something to turn him off? Why hasn’t he called to confirm? Should I call/text/email/cyber-stock him? Is it me? Is it him? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Oh boy. As a woman I am well aware that we tend to read way too much into things men do. Women are guided by complex thoughts and feelings, while men are more practical: I am hungry so I must eat. When I’m thinking of every possible scenario as to why I haven’t heard from him in the past 5 days, he may have not given it a second thought.

So how do I stop overreacting? Here is my list of steps to avoid it:

STEP 1: Remember the differences in thought processes between men and women (usually simple ideas vs. complex thoughts and feelings).

STEP 2: Recognize my irrational thoughts. This is easier said than done. Because women are so emotionally driven, our thoughts can wander and snowball into big ol’ messes.

STEP 3: Stop my overreaction dead in its tracks.

STEP 4: Ask myself the following question: “Instead of overreacting, what can I do to alleviate my concerns?”

STEP 5: Choose the best plan of action. This is BY FAR the hardest step because, again women are very complex thinkers so when we try to choose answers to our problems, we come up with a lot of “solutions” that may make things worse in the long run.

Plan of Action: Do something (aka contact him). Thought process:

·       If I’m too forward he might run screaming in the other direction.

·       If I’m too nonchalant I run the risk of him misunderstanding my intention.

Plan of Action: Let it be (aka leave it alone). Thought process:

·       If I don’t hear from him do I still show up?

·       What if he doesn’t show?

·       What if I decide not to go and he shows up and wonders where I am?

After looking at these particular action plans it seems to me that it would be in my best interest to send him a text message or make a quick phone call. When I put on my practical hat, I recognize that I need to know whether or not he is planning on being there. If I have a clear answer right from the horse’s mouth, I can make plans accordingly.

Text Examples:

“Hi there. I haven’t heard from you today. Are we still getting together tonight?”

“What time do you want to get together tonight?”

“Still want to see me tonight?”

“I’m looking forward to tonight!”

STEP 6: Follow through; whether my answer in a similar situation is to do something or let it be. When those irrational thoughts creep up again, stop them in their tracks!

STEP 7: Live with my choice. I can’t control the way he reacts but his reaction will tell me a lot about him.

And finally, if there still seems to be potential with this guy, I’ll put on my big girl panties and tell him about my concerns at the appropriate time.

All in all it is important to remember, it may be nothing. And if by chance it is something, wouldn't it be better to know?