Stuck in the middle: How’d I get here?

When I look back on my life, I wonder how I ended up “stuck in the middle” and here is what I think happened:

I grew up in a very conservative LDS neighborhood, only I was Catholic. Not only was I the kid that was “going to hell” (thanks to all of you classmates that told me this *sarcasm*), but I was also “the girl with the crazy brother.”

Believe it or not, I was very religious in elementary and junior high school, unbeknownst to my classmates. I went to Catechism (Sunday school for the lay folks) and Mass every week; said my prayers every night; was baptized, received communion, and went through confirmation solidifying my place in the Catholic Church.

Although I had, and continue to have, a strong faith in something more than myself, I was still different than just about every other kid at school. Toward the end of my junior high experience, my brother’s rebellion had gotten worse. Not only was he “crazy” but he was also a “druggie.”

Somewhere along the road, I found myself identifying more with the outcasts than I did with those who were religious. They never told me I was a bad person or that I was not going to heaven or that my parents were wrong for voting for a democrat (true story). I wanted to stand up for “my people” because I have always known that despite their differences, they were still basically good.

In my late teens and early twenties I rebelled a little bit: hung out with the “wrong” crowd; made some poor decisions; learned a lot about myself and what I wanted out of life. Don’t get any crazy ideas: I still did exceptionally well in high school, never got into any trouble, even started college.

My rebellious phase lasted a few years, I had a lot of fun taking road trips to concerts, going on hiking/camping trips with very little supplies, staying up all night… My friends were accepting of me and I was accepting of them. But as time went on I realized that they weren’t growing or changing much. They seemed to be content with where they were in life.

As much as I loved them, I realized I wanted to learn and grow, so I made a conscious decision to change my own life even if it meant putting a strain on those friendships. I even tried to convince them to come along: try college, find a career, challenge yourself.

So who do I identify with now that I’m all grown up? I still find myself drawn to that end of the spectrum. But I am also better at recognizing my patterns and I know what healthy relationships look like. I will always be the first one to stand up for someone who is facing persecution no matter where they are on the spectrum.

Meanwhile, I am continuing to find all sorts of people that fall in the middle with me. I have an amazing group of educated, funny, and caring friends. When I think old friends, I miss them. I remember the laughter and the good times and I grieve for the friends that are no longer in this world.

Rest in Peace

Best username of the week goes to...

MagicMasterMike

Think he's a master magician?! I highly doubt it...

The self-proclaimed jerk.

As you may know, I became a member of E Harmony last year as a favor to a friend who needed an "E Harmony Buddy". I had a few experiences that I was hesitant to write about...until now.

Let me start by saying that I'm not sure online dating is right for me. It takes a lot of time, and there is nothing organic about meeting someone online. That being said, I did get some free meals, some interesting conversation, and some great subject matter for this blog!

The self-proclaimed jerk was one such experience. If you are familiar with E Harmony you know that you first go through "guided" communication. This starts with multiple choice questions, must haves/can't stands, and open-ended questions. Let's call this particular match Austin.

Austin first contacted me. I combed my way through his profile, looking for red flags. He seemed pretty down-to-earth, loved the outdoors, handsome... We made it through all levels of guided communication and I still wanted more!

Then we exchanged a few emails and our communication had some substance. As I almost always do, I set up a coffee meet-and-greet. First impression: he's not as tall as he said he was, good teeth/hair, seems a bit shy. We got our lattes, talked about ourselves (he seemed to have a lot less to say), things seem to feel pretty comfortable.

How'd I feel when we said goodbye? I was certainly looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him better.

As I look back on the conversation we had, only one thing stands out. He mentioned that he had met a couple of women in person from his online dating experience and while the initial dates seemed to go well, they had fizzled out very quickly.

A couple of days later he sent me a text, asking me to meet him at a concert at a local club. I was hesitant. The club scene is not a good place to get to know someone early on, especially when alcohol is involved. Since I knew that some of my friends would be there, I ignored my better judgment and met up with him.

It was too loud to talk, he was with his friends, I was with mine... He made an effort to check in with me for the first hour or so. Then I started wondering what might have happened to him so I went looking.

There he was, obviously intoxicated, getting very friendly with a petite blonde. Obviously this was occurring in a very early stage of what we may/may not have together. I didn't think too much about it. I had a great time with my friends and stayed until the end of the concert.

As people shuffled out of the cramped space, I couldn't see him anywhere. "Must have left already." I drove home and as I was getting into bed, I got a text from Austin. It said "I'm sorry, I'm a drunk ass."

Over the next couple of months, Austin would text periodically, usually in the afternoon, wondering if I would like to head over to his house later to hang out. No planning, no more emails with substance. Just short texts.

Fast forward another couple of months without any conversation, text or otherwise. Then suddenly there he was again. This text read "I know I'm a jerk, but do you want to talk anyway?"

Now, when I was younger I might have fallen right into this trap. "Oh no! You're not a jerk! Of course, I'll give you another chance!" But I'm not so young and naive anymore. I didn't respond right away; I needed to ponder my reaction to his message.

It didn't take me long to realize what I needed to say. The next morning, I had my response: "A self-proclaimed jerk, huh? I don't think I have time for jerks."

So, did he respond? What do you think?! Nope. I felt empowered after I sent that text. I felt like such a grown-up!

It has been several months since I sent that awesome comeback text and I have only received one text from Austin since (just a couple of weeks ago). What did it say? "I've been thinking about you alot lately... I would love to get together with you! Wanna ? ? ?"

I didn't even bother to respond. This very generic text with terrible spelling and punctuation; he was obviously casting his line to see what he could catch and I'm not playing that game!

The moral of the story: If a man calls himself a jerk, don’t argue with him. He knows himself much better than you know him. Don’t take the bait, don’t fall into the trap. If his communication practically stops but he still wants to “hang out” he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve the time of day!

Best username of the week goes to...

DigitalBath79

Um, I really don't have anything to say about this. It's just strange.

You know you are a cougar if...

I have almost always dated younger guys. Even in high school when dating someone in a lower grade was the equivalent of dating someone 10 years younger when you are in your thirties. I even lost my virginity to a younger guy.

 

Through college and twenties was just a blur of average men of average age but then, in my early 30s I started dating those in their early 20s. Maybe i was trying to recapture the twenties I had lost in being moody, overly ridiculously responsible, self-conscious and prudish. Maybe it was because the guys my age were mostly married, gay or dealing with their past of being one of the above. Maybe I was in mature myself and looking for a little fun.

 

Regardless, it has continued into my late 30s and showing no signs of slowing down. I seem to have the most luck and have the most in common with guys 9-12 years younger. They also seem to like me, which is another thing to analyze all together.

 

So instead of trying to understand “why”, I thought I would help you identify if you too might be a cougar...or have cougar tendencies. They say you are a cougar if the guy is 1/2 your age plus 7 years, but I think this is a much more accurate scale:

 

You might be a cougar if....

• your boyfriend doesn’t get why you can’t stay out till 4am when you have to work at 8
• you and your boyfriend have the same sex drive
• you didn’t meet him at a bar because he couldn’t get into one
• when he says, “I’ll call you” you expect a voice to voice chat, he sends you a text
• you have the same amount of Skymiles as he has points at Chuck E. Cheese
• you got your drivers license when he was still using training wheels
• you meet his mom and you bond over your favorite 80s bands
• he likes to point out that the year you graduated high school, he started kindergarten
• he likes to do projects around your house because he doesn’t have one of his own
• you have 3 or more pets, he has 3 or more roommates

 

There are many advantages and disadvantages to being a cougar too but I will take the guy who is less jaded and much less likely to have 2 divorces and 3 kids, even if I have to put up with him not being able to hang out because he has a D&D game planned with his friends.

 

The loyal cougar cub, as I like to call them, admires you for your confidence, experience and strength and you can benefit from his optimism, energy and carefree life. Its really a win-win. But beware, fellow cougars, the charms of the cougar cub can run out if they stay the same as they are now when they get to be your age. They should still grow along with you and if so, you can enjoy all of those advantages in balance for years to come!

How do you like your grilled cheese?

This week I had lunch with friends, including Jane. You may remember Jane from my previous post about dating etiquette.  Lunch with the ladies is always a great opportunity to catch up on our single lives; dates we’ve been on, realizations we’ve had about ourselves… So as soon as we get in the car the conversation begins. This time around, it is about what type of guy we think we deserve.

As we arrive at the restaurant, Jane says “If my grilled cheese isn’t all melty should I send it back?”

My initial reaction was “It depends on how melty you like your cheese, and what if you send it back and the problem comes up again? Do you send it back again?”

To which she replied: “Hell yes! If it isn’t the way I want it why should I settle for less?!”

She brought up an interesting point, but have you ever sent your food back at a restaurant? It can be quite stressful; you may feel judged; you may worry about what they’ll do to your food. So the question is: Why not settle for what you get?

Simply put: Because it is not what you want! Obviously in this context (even though grilled cheese from this restaurant is rarely melty enough) the grilled cheese sandwich is a metaphor for the men we choose to date.

I have often thought that by choosing men who are “works-in-progress” I was accepting what I thought I deserved (subconsciously in most cases). Lately I have been focusing on dating men who are more put together and stable, with no beer towers to be found… But lately I have been catching myself questioning whether or not I am good enough for them.

It’s sad, but it’s true. If you always date “down” from your level, you can create a false sense of security in knowing you are good enough for them. But if you date “up” you may feel insecure and question whether or not you “deserve” them.

Even though I know quite logically that I deserve someone great, I still fight with my comfort level. I read an article that summed it up nicely: We date the level of our self-esteem.

The author says “The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you. If you don’t love, honor, and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs will not get met.”

Keeping in mind that I really only have control over me, I need to accept that I can’t just change for someone else (a way of settling). I can, however, be my more authentic self. While the author reminds readers that compromise is important in any relationship, I think I certainly need to be honest with myself about what I’ll settle for and what I won’t.

So back to our grilled cheese. If you are adamant about the melty-ness, by all means, send it back. If you are not overly concerned and you love cheese no matter what the temperature, make the most of it and enjoy it.

But don’t be afraid to let go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

The article can be accessed here: http://thedailylove.com/we-date-at-the-level-of-our-self-esteem/

A big thanks to Jane for sparking the conversation!