First Date Red Flags

The following is my list of first date red flags. All of these come from either my own experiences or the experiences of my close friends.

1.     When a date says “My ex was crazy!” This statement tells you more about your date than the ex.

2.     Men with high squeaky voices. Go ahead, call me shallow…

3.     Binge drinking.

4.     Complaining about former relationships.

5.     When a date texts and/or takes phone calls. Leave your phone in your pocket and be present for hell’s sake.

6.     When a date talks about him/herself the whole time and doesn’t ask about you.

7.     Divulging too much information too early. If you talk too much and “blow your load” so to speak, what are you going to talk about on a second date?

8.     One-upping. It IS NOT a competition to see who has the best story.

9.     When a man has a gun, knife, or other deadly weapon in his car.

10.  When you hear “You don’t look anything like your picture.”

11.  When your date uses “fuck” as an adjective in every other sentence (in his high squeaky voice)

12.  When a date mentions that he only brushes his teeth once every three days then expects you to kiss him at the end of it. Hygiene people!!

13.  Calling you a “cheap date” even if it’s related to how little money it costs to wine and dine you.

14.  Paying for a movie but then not offering to buy movie snacks.

15.  Showing up for a date without cleaning yourself up beforehand (i.e. spent the day working on cars then came straight over to meet you). Again HYGIENE!

16.  NEW ENTRY: When a date talks about a beer tower, throne, or even cube that resides in his living room.

By the way, 12 through 15 were the same guy on one single date... By far, the worst date EVER.

Book Review

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love

By Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

Written by a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Attached helps readers understand attachment styles and how they help or hinder relationships. Basically our own attachment styles have a huge influence on how we behave in relationships. According to the synopsis the attachment styles are:

·       Anxious – People who are too preoccupied with their relationships and worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.

·       Avoidant – People who believe they will lose their independence if they gain intimacy so they minimize closeness.

·       Secure – People who feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

By reviewing studies that were conducted at all stages of life, the authors show that our need to be close to our partner (or potential partner) is essential. Take a quiz to determine your own attachment style; then take another based on who you are currently with.

After you’ve determined you and your partner’s attachment style, the book provides helpful hints on how to make the most out of your relationships.

Historically, anxious and avoidants get together and this is trouble 95% of the time. Anxious people push for intimacy and avoidants resist. Every so often things calm down and avoidants open up a bit, but it’s a roller coaster and repeats itself over and over. The authors spend some time exploring that calmer point in a relationship and how we tend to interpret those moments as love. Anxious people continue to long for that closeness and when they get it (even for a moment) they feel content. Unfortunately it doesn’t last and they are left wanting and waiting for that feeling again.

What about those lucky people who are secure? Sadly for those of us who are single, they do not spend much time in the dating pool. After all, they are comfortable with intimacy, and don’t feel threatened or like they’ve lost their independence when in a relationship. So who is always in the dating pool? Avoidants. They tend to move from one relationship to another seeking out the perfect person (sometimes the phantom-x aka the one that “got away”).

When anxious or avoidants are paired up with a partner with a secure attachment style, their own attachment tendencies recuperate to some extent and they begin to be more comfortable.

Married to an anxious or avoidant? The book provides a chapter on how to make your relationship work. Although it is an uphill battle, if you’re determined to make it work, this will help.

This book is brilliant and I learned so much about myself and former partners. I do have a warning though: this book WILL tell you things you don’t want to hear. You’ll find yourself bargaining, trying to convince yourself that your situation is unique. The authors bring you back to reality.

After reading this book, you’ll start to recognize the attachment styles of potential partners, friends, and even more. By the way: BELLA is somewhat AVOIDANT, EDWARD is completely ANXIOUS, and sweet little JACOB is SECURE. Too funny!

To learn more, check out http://www.attachedthebook.com/.

Happy reading!

To Kiss Or Not To Kiss: Part II

Is it possible to go to a "lookout point" and not make out?! My friend "Jane" has the answer to that!

Meg: So...Did you kiss him? Did you go out with him again? My followers are dying to know!

Jane: Hellooooooooo! Yes I kissed him, but no spit was exchanged. I also had two glasses of wine, so my self control should be very impressive.

Meg: Wow! I am very proud of you!  How long did the date last? Did you do something after dinner?

Jane: He picked me up at 8:30 and I got home at 1:30.

Meg: He picked you up on a first date?! Soooo dangerous!

Jane: We went to the Porcupine, had a leisurely dinner and drinks, then went for a drive and ended up parking at some lookout point. I kind of felt like I was in high school! Haha!

Meg: Good thing he wasn't a homicidal maniac! So how is it that you went to lovers lane and you kissed him with no exchange of spit??

Jane: Self control! And avoidance! I could tell he wanted to full on make out, but I took control of the situation.

Meg: Wow! That is amazing! Was there a little Mini-Meg sitting on your shoulder?

Jane: Yep, it was the reporting pressure! And we went to a movie last night and there was still no kissing cuz I'm a coughing sickie. But there was hand holding and butt grabbing (with him doing the grabbing)… oooooh yeah!

Meg: Wow! So is there potential with this guy?

Jane: I think so! I think for the next month or two, he'll probably be in the rotation once a week cuz I'm in a place where I'm annoyed frequently and not too into dating and we're both busy. Maybe in July I will feel like dating more. But this guy is awesome, and such a catch. Hopefully he'll stick around in the rotation and wait for me.

Meg: For sure.

Jane: He told me I was the reason he signed up for “unnamed dating site” in the first place, cute huh! He got a free account and was looking around, and he saw my profile but in order to contact me he has to pay! Haha!

Meg: Nice!

The poll this week was whether or not it was appropriate to kiss on the first date. The majority of people said it is appropriate if it feels right.

To kiss or not to kiss?

The following is an instant message chat I had with a friend recently. She asked a simple question that turned into a great learning opportunity for her and me. I have changed the name to protect the innocent.

Jane: What are the rules for kissing these days? First date: yes/no? Short kiss ok, but no making out? Making out okay?

Meg: I don't believe in kissing on the first date, but really it depends on how many hours you spend on that date.

Jane: Aw, interesting formula. So how many hours deserves a kiss?

Meg: More than 4.

Meg: You figure a first meet-n-greet date lasts two hours, so a four hour date is like two dates, and kissing on the second date is acceptable :)

Jane: Ahahaha! I think a first date usually lasts all evening, from like 6 - 10 or 11.  Unless it's a coffee meeting, that doesn't count as a 'date' date

Meg: It's all a matter of past experience! I generally don't like to kiss on the first date because I don't want them to misinterpret my intentions. If you're looking to get down, then all of this goes out the window. Now if you add alcohol to the mix, it's a whole new ballgame and your intentions might change within a short amount of time.

Jane: True. What if I'm not down to get down but I want a smooch?!

Meg: Think of it from a man's perspective. If you lay one on him, how might he interpret that? I don't really know the answer to it but I certainly try to understand the male perspective.

Jane: But from my perspective, if he lays one on me - not trying to maul me, I interpret it as he's into me, and potentially brings us closer together?

Meg: There are lots of ways to tell if a guy is into you. It doesn't have to be a physical expression.

Jane: Ok, ok. So my goal for Friday is try not to kiss, or be kissed and save it for the 2nd date? Is the 2nd date appropriate?

Meg: YES!

Jane: Phew!

Meg: Not longer than 15 seconds though!

Jane: Hahaha OMG! Too many rules Meg!!

Meg: Hehe! They are not rules, they are guidelines!

Jane: Same shit!

Meg: Guidelines leave room for interpretation.

Jane: Will you come with me, and monitor my behavior?

Meg: Do you have a bluetooth? You can leave it in your ear and cover it with your hair!

Jane: And as soon as you talk to me and I’ll jump out of my chair he'll think I’m a 'PSYCHO'

Meg: The whole point of a first date is to make sure HE'S not a psycho.

Jane: So true!

Meg: You run the risk of ending up with a clinger/stalker if you plant a smooch on him too soon.

Humor aside, in all honesty, I think that if it feels right to kiss on the first date you should go with it. Just don't do it if it feels wrong. But if you’ve been drinking, even if it feels right, it is just wrong.

Jane: That is a very good politically correct answer. I try not to drink on the first date because everyone seems more awesome when I'm drinking. LOL! So that should be a rule too: No alcohol for first dates.

I mean a 'guideline'.

Meg: No that can be a RULE. I'm on a role, sorry!

Jane: I asked you because you’re the expert! We will have to analyze my date on Monday :)

Stay tuned to witness the exciting conclusion of this conversation!!

Salt Lake City Single Stats

As someone who works with statistics, I thought it would be interesting to look at the make-up of the Salt Lake City population. Here is what I found:

·       Salt Lake City Population: 181,743 (US Census 2000)

o   Males: 92,045 (50.65%) / 69,792 (38.4%) Over 18.

o   Females: 89,698 (49.35%) / 68,981 (37.96%) Over 18.

o   For every 100 females age 18 and over, there are 101.2 males (U.S. Census 2010)

o   Males have a median income of $31,511 versus $26,403 for females.

• Salt Lake City Population Age (U.S. Census 2000)
• 15.2% from 18 to 24
• 33.4% from 25 to 44
• 16.7% from 45 to 64

·       Household Characteristics (U.S. Census 2000)

o   There are 75,177 households

§  41.1% are married couples living together,

§  10.2% have a female householder with no husband present,

§  44.3% are other types of households.

§  3,904 were reported to be unmarried partner households:

·       3,047 heterosexual,

·       458 same-sex male, and

·       399 same-sex female.

·       Religion

o   Less than 50% of Salt Lake City's residents are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is a much lower proportion than in Utah's more rural municipalities; altogether, LDS members make up about 62% of Utah's population. (Salt Lake Tribune, 2005)

·       Sexual Orientation

o   A 2006 study by UCLA estimates that approximately 7.6% of the city's population, or almost 14,000 people, are openly gay, lesbian, or bisexual, compared to just 3.7%, or just over 60,000 people, for the metropolitan area as a whole. (The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy, October, 2006)

·       Attractiveness

o   In 2007 Salt Lake City was ranked by Forbes Magazine as the vainest city in America based on the number of plastic surgeons per 100,000 and their spending habits on cosmetics, which exceed that of cities of similar size. (Ruiz, Rebecca. “In Pictures: America’s Vainest Cities, Forbes)

·       Women’s Health

o   A 2008 study by Men's Health and Women's Health magazines found Salt Lake City to be the healthiest city for women by looking at 38 different factors, including cancer rates, air quality and the number of gym memberships. (Nichols, Michelle, “Salt Lake City, Madison healthiest U.S. cities: Study/Lifestyle, 2008)

For me, charts and graphs are easier to understand. Feel free to check out the pictures.

What did I learn?

• There is a good balance between males and females.
• 33.40% of the population is in the 25 to 44 age range. People around my age…check!
• 
  

  Being that I am not the prominent religion, it gives me hope that potentially half the population may actually consider dating me.
• 
  

  Less than half the population is married and living with their husband/wife. Although another 5.19% are living with an unmarried partner. Other households could refer to roommates and other different living circumstances. I wonder where homeless people fit on this.
• 
  

  As a single woman, I have gay male friends and sometimes wonder where all the heterosexual men are in my peer group. According to this, there are plenty of them.

After my little adventure in single statistics, I’ll be honest, I’m not very optimistic. Self talk time! “Look at the bright side! Look at the glass that is Salt Lake City as being HALF FULL!” I think it is going to take better evidence L

One thing I am most passionate about...

And the winner for best answer iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis...

"internet"

Wow, you are a very passionate person!