Book Review

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love

By Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

Written by a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Attached helps readers understand attachment styles and how they help or hinder relationships. Basically our own attachment styles have a huge influence on how we behave in relationships. According to the synopsis the attachment styles are:

·       Anxious – People who are too preoccupied with their relationships and worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.

·       Avoidant – People who believe they will lose their independence if they gain intimacy so they minimize closeness.

·       Secure – People who feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

By reviewing studies that were conducted at all stages of life, the authors show that our need to be close to our partner (or potential partner) is essential. Take a quiz to determine your own attachment style; then take another based on who you are currently with.

After you’ve determined you and your partner’s attachment style, the book provides helpful hints on how to make the most out of your relationships.

Historically, anxious and avoidants get together and this is trouble 95% of the time. Anxious people push for intimacy and avoidants resist. Every so often things calm down and avoidants open up a bit, but it’s a roller coaster and repeats itself over and over. The authors spend some time exploring that calmer point in a relationship and how we tend to interpret those moments as love. Anxious people continue to long for that closeness and when they get it (even for a moment) they feel content. Unfortunately it doesn’t last and they are left wanting and waiting for that feeling again.

What about those lucky people who are secure? Sadly for those of us who are single, they do not spend much time in the dating pool. After all, they are comfortable with intimacy, and don’t feel threatened or like they’ve lost their independence when in a relationship. So who is always in the dating pool? Avoidants. They tend to move from one relationship to another seeking out the perfect person (sometimes the phantom-x aka the one that “got away”).

When anxious or avoidants are paired up with a partner with a secure attachment style, their own attachment tendencies recuperate to some extent and they begin to be more comfortable.

Married to an anxious or avoidant? The book provides a chapter on how to make your relationship work. Although it is an uphill battle, if you’re determined to make it work, this will help.

This book is brilliant and I learned so much about myself and former partners. I do have a warning though: this book WILL tell you things you don’t want to hear. You’ll find yourself bargaining, trying to convince yourself that your situation is unique. The authors bring you back to reality.

After reading this book, you’ll start to recognize the attachment styles of potential partners, friends, and even more. By the way: BELLA is somewhat AVOIDANT, EDWARD is completely ANXIOUS, and sweet little JACOB is SECURE. Too funny!

To learn more, check out http://www.attachedthebook.com/.

Happy reading!